Chances are, if you clicked on this page, you’re a new dad or about to become one.
First off… CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Secondly, I hope you don’t care much about sleeping, because it’s over. I’m not kidding. Go ahead and sell your bed and your pillow. You won’t be using them anymore. They’ll just be taking up valuable space for things like Bumbos and Boppies and breast pumps, which will soon be invading your home like so many stinkbugs.
But fear not, my fellow male! For I have been to the front and survived to tell my tale (so far).
Get Yourself An Inflatable Baby Sitter – And Other Survival Tips for First-Time Dads is a handy little survival guide to help you adjust to your new life as a dad.
This brief yet revealing look at life with young children provides valuable insights I’ve gained over the years that you can apply to your own situation as you venture into the world of fatherhood. (Not that it will do you any good. But go ahead an apply them if you want.)
- It’s A Girl! Good Luck With That.
- Poop – It’s Not So Bad.
- Embrace the Mess – You’re A Hoarder Now.
- Bedtime – Beware the Darkness
- …and more!
Even if you’re just considering having children, Get Yourself An Inflatable Baby Sitter will give you an insider’s look into parenting. It will also help you understand why the other fathers you know always seem so beat down and miserable. (Hint: Because they are.)
Disclaimer: I can’t guarantee the advice in this ebook will help make you a better dad, but I can guarantee that you’ll definitely get your $1.99-cents-worth.
Warning: Get Yourself An Inflatable Baby Sitter also serves as an effective method of birth control. Read with caution.
SOME FREE TIPS FOR NEW DADS
1) Whenever you’re holding the baby or anywhere within a three-foot radius of it, it’s best to wear some sort of rain gear or HazMat suit to protect you from all the bodily fluids that your baby will be shooting out from all ends without warning throughout the day.
2) If your wife leaves you with the baby to run an errand or to go out with her friends for a quick bite, never, and I mean NEVER, refer to what you’re doing as “baby sitting.” Mothers, especially new mothers, tend to have a bad reaction to this phraseology and you’ll end up sleeping on the couch. HA! I’m just kidding, of course! You won’t be doing any sleeping.
3) Try to learn the baby’s different types of cries. This is the way a baby communicates that he/she needs something. For example, a loud, repetitive, screeching-type cry means that the baby is hungry. On the other hand a loud, repetitive, screeching-type cry means that the baby is tired. Furthermore, a loud, repetitive, screeching-type cry means that the baby is awake. Once you learn to identify these different types of cries, it won’t make a lick of difference.
4) If it’s not too late, you may want to consider getting a dog instead. They’re easier to house-break.
5) Embrace this time. Fatherhood, though exhausting and frustrating at times, is an amazing gift that will completely change your perspective and teach you to appreciate the really important things in life, such as alcohol, brief respites in the bathroom, baby sitters, and cat naps at work, to name but a few. Good luck and enjoy every minute of it! After all, in just 18 years or so, they’ll be all grown up!
Then you can sleep again.