Father Goose Fail


You should have seen the rest of the house.
You should see the rest of the house.

I thought about recounting in detail everything that’s happened over the past six days, when my sister, brother-in-law, and their four young daughters came in from out of town and stayed with us. But honestly, it was pretty much all one big, chaotic blur.

And, besides, I’m just too tired.

Instead I’ll share with you one story that basically sums up the past week of my life…

So my nephew Dane had a baseball game on Monday night, and we all went down to watch him play. Of course it was only minutes before the natives, i.e., my kids and my nieces, became restless, so I decided to take them across the street to the playground. That’s right—just yours truly and five kids ages 7, 5, 5, 4, and 3.

Piece of cake.

We hadn’t been at the park for more than five minutes before the 4-year-old, my niece Carina, jumped off the swings and came up to me, her hands clutching the front of her shorts.

“Uncle Val, I have to go pee-pee.”

Of course she did. Unfortunately the closest port-o-potty was way on the other side of the baseball field.

“Sometimes Daddy lets me go outside,” she offered.

“Oh yeah?” I replied. “OK then, let’s just go behind that little shed over there.” So we walked around the back where we knew no one could see. “All right,” I said, “go ahead. Go pee-pee.”

But she just stood there looking up at me.

“What’s wrong? Can’t you do it by yourself?”

She shook her head no. “Daddy usually holds me.”

So I crouched down and held her up off the ground so she could do her business. Everything was going just fine…until, suddenly and inconceivably, she straightened her body out, which caused her to pee all over her little Elmo panties and shorts. And my hands.

After I cleaned her the best I could using her own underwear, she took off to go play again and I stood there holding the urine-soaked undies. 

A couple minutes passed when the sound of a car alarm broke the air. I turned and looked across the field and saw that it was my car that was making all the racket… because it had just been backed into by a large pick-up truck. Splendid.

“Stay right here!” I told the kids as they climbed around on the jungle gym. “I’ll be right back.” So, keeping one eye on the kids, I sprinted across the field, the wet underwear still in one hand and my car keys in the other as I frantically pushed the alarm’s off button. Of course, this being Beaver, I actually knew the guy who backed into me.

“I’m sorry,” he said, looking down at the dent in my hood caused by the tow hitch on the back of his pick-up.

But this was no time to think about exchanging insurance info or anything like that. “It’s fine,” I said. “Don’t worry about it.” Then I turned around and took off back across the field to the kids.

By the time I got back to the playground, the skies had turned dark and rain was imminent. So I texted my sister and wife and told them to come over quick if it started to rain. Then, just as the raindrops began to fall, my five-year-old niece Lucia walked up to me.

“Uncle Val, I have to go pee-pee.”

Of course she did.

I glanced over at the shed for a moment, then down at the soiled underwear that were still in my hand for some reason, and decided it was time to go.

So as the rain fell, I led my flock back across the field and told the kids to stand against the fence while I ran over to to the port-o-potty to get Lucia settled in. Then the rain started to come down harder, so I ran back over to the kids and herded them all into the back of my freshly dented Sonata. Then I ran halfway back and stood there in the rain, looking back and forth between the car and the plastic outhouse until my niece was finished.

Luckily my sister and wife pulled up just then and saved me before any further catastrophes happened or any of the other kids decided that they had to go pee-pee.

And that was one of the calmer episodes of the week.~


Copyright © 2015 Valentine J. Brkich


7 Responses to "Father Goose Fail"
  1. My cheeks are hurting from smiling so much while reading this. Funny stuff,but I’m sure you didn’t feel like smiling then. Ha! Love it!

  2. This really did make me smile. Even though I’m not a father, I am an experienced uncle and now grand uncle of 7. Great read.

  3. Just think, years from now these kids will think back to the days they had so much fun with you and each other. I promise.